Monday, June 21, 2010

stuff

...after reading THIS blog post by this lady....I figured I'd play along.

listening: Elton John & Whitney Houston
eating: 5 grain bread with spinah & artichoke cream cheese spread
drinking: ice water
wearing: black tank top & workout shorts
feeling: anxious. sad. hurting. lonely.
weather: unbelievably hot. always forget just how hot it gets every summer in Florida.
incredibly thankful for air conditioning right now.
wanting: my dr.'s office to call me
needing: to get out of this funk. to quit worrying. to enjoy the present.
thinking: i would really love a good book to read right now. it's been a while, and i need something to lose myself in for a while.
enjoying: this day off from work. after working 20+ hours this weekend, I was sick to death of whiny guests at the condo.
wondering: will it ever happen for me. will i ever get to be a mama?


This blog post isn't about anything to do with crafting, scrapbooking, etc.

This is a real life blog post. This is me doing what I do best: worrying. Anxiously worrying. Fretting. Sad. Hurting.

I don't talk about personal stuff here on the blog all that much. The deep stuff I keep tucked away inside. Frankly, I don't even talk about it all that much in my life. I'm better keeping it inside and quietly fretting about it and not bothering anybody else about it. Who could be bothered about it? Sometimes, I feel that way about stuff other people share with me. Why are you telling me this? Keep it to yourself. I don't want to know. But, right now, for the first time in a long time, I need to vent. I need to get it out. If you don't wanna read, you don't have to.

I've shared before briefly [I think] about pregnancy. And that we have tried for quite a while with no success. None whatsoever. I have had test, scans, sonograms, blood work....the whole nine yards. Finally diagnosed with PCOS. This only happened after I quit my OB after she laughed at me. Not pretty. I found a new OB that I absolutely adore thanks to my sister-in-law. Within two weeks after having my first appointment with her, she had this diagnosis for me [of course, after more extensive blood work & an internal ultrasound]. I was happy to finally find out what was going on. I finally knew why I would have horrible, excruciating pain in my lower abdomen & side. My ovaries hate me.

Pretty much was told that was why after 5 years, we have had no luck in pregnancy. And probably never will. I have many, many cysts all over my ovaries. I barely produce the needed hormones. Pretty much the most emotional day I have ever had. We had just been getting ready to see a fertility specialist, when I got laid off from my job and lost my health insurance. Things slid downhill rather fast. Fast forward to this February, where I was laid off again for the second time in less than a year - just trying to pull through that. Trying to get caught up again. Trying to get money in the savings account again. Not fun. Lots of stress. My body reacts pretty strongly to stress. Very strongly. It was a mess. I was a mess. Finally got through it all. Found another job. Have insurance again. Thank goodness.

But I was having problems. I finally got an appointment to see my OB last week and they ended up doing a procedure on me that I am currently waiting on test results from. I've been a wreck ever since. I've been in pain ever since. I just want to get the results. Even if they are not what I want to hear. I need to know. I can't handle to many more days like this.

All that to say, I must know at least 11 people right now, friends & acquaintances, that are expecting or have just had a baby. And it hurts. It hurts like you wouldn't believe. I think about it and I start crying. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm SO very tired of people saying, " It will happen. You just have to be patient." Who are YOU!? How do you know it will happen? You don't know that. I don't want to hear that. SHUT up. And those that say, "Well, enjoy this time with your husband. Once a baby comes along, it won't be the same." Oh my. Well, I can't even say on here what I think at that point. Oh, I know it will be different. Why don't you think about what you are saying before you say it. You have NO FREAKIN' idea.

I've been wanting to blog about this since reading THIS POST by Tina. It made me cry.

At this point, I give up. End of story. If it's just going to be me & the Mann for the rest of our lives, then it will just be me & the Mann. One of these days, I will be able to talk/write/blog about this without crying. Not now. One of these days, I want to start living life again. Right now, I feel like I'm just barely making it with my head above the water.

I end this post with these two quotes:

"COURAGE is reclaiming your life after devastating events rob you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent. ... It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, complete, confident."— Catherine Britton

"Everyone is fighting their own battle.
To be free from their past.
To live in their present.
And to create their future.

So have heart."

5 comments:

danielle said...

Melissa, I don't personally know you, but I'm sorry to hear you are in pain, physically and emotionally. I know it's really hard when you've been trying to get pregnant and can't. My husband and I went through similar infertility problems and with both my girls had to use a fertility doctor. I'm sorry you were laughed at by your previous OB, what an insult! I am glad you wrote this post. It's better to write down or voice our emotions than hold them in. I'm thinking good thoughts for you you get the test results you want

Vee said...

oh melissa my heart goes out to you, i know you are sadden but in time I know the hurt will not be as great. I don't know how you didn't punch that OB in the face, how rude! I will pray that you will have the strength to find what the next step is and make peace with whatever decision you decide. xo

Amanda Ann said...

I don't have anything to say that would make anything better, obviously. I just wanted to let you know I am here for you if you ever wanna vent. You and the Mann will be in my thoughts and prayers!!

Sasha Holloway said...

Never ever think no one wants to read what you go through. I too have my personal struggles that are very very deep cut. Nothing like what you are going through and that is what I tell people everyone has something in life that they are struggling with .. no one issue or cause is greater than what you "think" .. so glad you shared something so personal about yourself ..

I hope that in time you get your dream and you are blessed with what is deserving to you.

Hugs and love

K13 said...

I'm sorry to hear this and am thinking about you.